Wanting To Do It All / Acceptance

WARNING: I'm writing this blog post about how I'm currently feeling. It may not make sense. There will be grammatical issues. I'm just getting it out.

I have always been an overachiever. I always do my very best and am so critical about myself. Since I've become a mother, I've tried hard to accept the fact that I am not perfect. Not only as a mother but as a person. This concept has been hard for me! I know others can relate to me but maybe some people laugh at that. I don't like being lazy even though I find myself being very lazy. And my vision of laziness actually may not be lazy at all. There are many days that are hard for me to wake up before 7am to go to the gym, then to come home and shower and tackle the dishes, laundry, and all the messes that happen in the house. Really, didn't I just spend the entire day before cleaning the kitchen?! Now it looks like a bomb went off and dishes and garbage everywhere! Situations like that, as I'm a stay at home mom, make me feel like I'm horrible at my job(s) here and find everything that's wrong with me.

I am working to accept the following:

If I can get to the gym at least once a week, that's good. I have a higher goal of going for health reasons and because it makes me feel good. But, things come up.

I can't cook every meal that is Whole30 approved, organic, or even anything at all. As long as everyone eats, that's a success.

I can't spend my whole life at home cleaning.

It's okay to cancel plans, things come up.

I need to slow down and enjoy this time I have to be home with my son and work on my creative handmade business.

Stop thinking about life before moving, baby, 30...it's the past.

It's funny how just thinking about it and writing it out can make me feel a little better. If I'm constantly in my head (the baby doesn't have a conversation with me anyway) I get very negative about myself, my life, etc.

I'm Here, Promise!

So, it has almost been 2 months since I've been able to write a blog post. It's not what I meant to happen but sometimes (always) life gets a little crazy. I've been writing down ideas for blog posts so they will be coming.

The biggest thing with my silence here was I went through a really sad, mad, unhappy period about my life. I think I've learned that growth is good, even when it is our of my hands. I've learned more about my body and it's frustrating that I need to work harder than I ever have to get back to where I need to be. I'm working on figuring out my daily schedule with E, cleaning, chores, getting out, money, and seeing what works best. I think I've narrowed it down and now I need to stick with it. Since I do like planning and organizing this should be a fun task for me. I'm planning another blog post about this new schedule once it's in place and show how I'm using my new calendar!

This Week's To Do List

I started writing to do lists when I was in high school. I don't really know how it happened, I think my mom got me a day planner and I just started filling it out. I wrote all the homework I had to do that night, chores I had to do, when I had to work, etc. I became almost obsessed with writing everything I had to do down and it really worked for me. It made me feel organized, calm (or not, if I had a lot to do), and it helped me be VERY productive. I believe it helped me get through all those years of college and work. Just this year, I finally started throwing them away. They are like journals for me because I can see what I did on an exact day. For my life right now though, I had to throw them away in order for me to move on, but that's a whole other blog post later.

Every week I will share what I would like to get done for the week. Maybe it will help me stay on track. Maybe I will find other ways to help me be productive because lets face it, being a stay at home mom for the last 6 months has made me be a bit more relaxed when it comes to work. Baby is the number 1 priority anyway.

I keep a day planner, google calendar (which currently isn't updated), goal lists, big to do lists, weekly, daily, etc. etc. etc. It's a little ridiculous. I'll be combining and creating the best way to stay organized and share here.

This to do list is what I would like to add to my daily life and get done in the near future.

Organize all digital pictures from phone, computer, hard drives - There are many many many of these. My plan is to catch up and then regularly maintain.

Pull apart old journals and paperwork - As part of allowing myself to move on with my life, I'm shredding journals that do not need to be saved. Many are so negative about myself and how I look and feel. I sorted them when we were packing to move in December but didn't have the time to finish the project.

Organize ALL art stuff - I have a huge stash of art supplies including yarn, beads, paint, scrapbook stuff, and more. I will organize them into different categories so I can actually use what I have.

Start crafting/painting/crocheting

Read a book

Learn how to cook new food

Just a Typical Friday

I finally just put Ezra down for a nap, had 2 cups of coffee (the last of the coffee in the house), and I actually put clothes and mascara on today. The microwave repair man is coming over between 11 and 2 so I figured I could squeeze in a blog post. I've wanted to write for days but with the overwhelming amount of chores and severe lack of sleep, it just wasn't happening. Gibson set up his computer in our house, which is 1000x better than my laptop so I can apply for jobs and write in my blog. How nice of him!

I'm trying to tackle a huge item on my to do list which is organizing all of my digital pictures. ALL!? That's just crazy but it's actually fun for me to take a walk down memory lane. I'm missing quite a bit but luckily I didn't have a digital cameral until around 2005 or 2006. When both of newest cameras crapped out in 2011, I stuck to my iPhone. I would love to have another camera in the near future but I'm so thankful for the pictures so far. It's nice to have a record of my daily life, and things that I would have normally forgotten. When I'm done organizing, I'll be sure to share a few gems, such as this one:

This was the summer we started dating (2010). We spent the day in Seattle then went to the Temper Trap concert at the Showbox. It seems like forever ago! This weekend will be uneventful over here, we are planning on spring cleaning and getting some things organized and cleaned up. I really want to get some of the big tasks and to do items done. It constantly feels like I have something to do. Luckily, the list really isn't very long because we got a ton done before we moved up here. I'm looking forward to weekends without chores and errands and get to know our new area.

So Much Change

I have always thought that I could handle change. I think all of the sudden change in my life in the last 6 months have really thrown me off and it has been hard getting used to all of it. I had a baby, quit my job, then moved to a town (that I had never been to) over an hour away. I lived in Tacoma for over 11 years - all of my family and some friends lived there. I'm 30 years old, why is this so hard for me?

We moved at the end of December and I was motivated to get out there and make this place my home. We have found that we are a bit tight on money (hello, medical bills and student loans) since we are on one income. Yeah yeah, I could keep going and keep thinking about how I'm feeling but I just wanted to get this out and off my mind. We only have one car so I do spend a lot of time at home. I don't like to spend my days cleaning house all the time...I don't know how other stay at home moms can get it all done. It's so tiring!

I have some goals that I really want to accomplish. I will share them here this week. I hope I can get into blogging again and maintaining it for a creative outlet.

Brand New Blog

It's really weird writing on an iPad but maybe this will actually let me get my thoughts out. My laptop is already 5+ years old and a pain to have to load and pull out to type. By the time I have it open and set up I have already lost my thoughts and ideas for what I want to write. I wish I write down these ideas but I think I'm going to remember them and obviously I don't. 

My life has changed so much in the last two years and it's been so busy, exciting, and stressful. I have not been able to document anything and that makes me a little sad. This blog is for my daily life, thoughts, documenting my son, and finding out who this new woman I am is. 

I write as the words come so if anyone is reading this, I apologize for any spelling and grammatical errors. I'm not trying to be perfect even though I think that's what I need to be. 

Let's hope this one sticks around. I've had so many blogs since 2000 and this one is my most important yet.